I was only trying to get my morning coffee!
I woke up this morning, like I always do, cause otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this now would I? I pushed through my fog, and went to get my morning coffee. I was standing in line, when I realized this was going to be another “Lord of the Rings” quest for coffee. But I must say, it did make me a sudden devout Christian, cause I don’t think I‘ve ever used the word “Jesus” so much in a single day.
First up was this woman who watched with idiotic fascination as they slowly prepared her coffee. But when it came to pay, she only then proceeded to pull out her wallet, digging into it like she was mining for diamonds.
What was she thinking?
“Oh my, you mean you actually want money for this? I never thought.”
Next was this overly social reject who tried to make friends with everyone in the place. He seemed insistent on penetrated my territorial bubble. My proximity alert went off, and I instinctively said: Stranger Danger”
What am I? 6 years old?
I’ll tell ya, if that schmuck got any closer, he had better be wearing a condom.
After that this feminine guy/masculine gal randomly threw all its change on the counter. Maybe it thought it would magically add up by itself. But it insisted on counting it, and took out its freggin’ periodical table and abacus, like it was its final answer on Jeopardy. I mean, there are 3 kinds of people in this world, those who know how to count, and those who don’t.
Then there was this woman’s complete disregard for those behind her, chitchatted incessantly with the clerk, talking about everything except their blood type and the smell of water.
If only that was the end.
You know how I knew it wasn’t over?
Cause I could actually hear God laughing.
This woman who just, no matter how hard she tried, couldn’t decide. Like it was the one, most important decision which in turn may affect the future of humanity and change the course of the universe.
I told her I’d give her a gold star next time I saw her.
It’s a friggin’ miracle they’re able to place one foot after the other when she left.
Now came this guy, who took the orders of his 200 friends. Then he took out this list, which rivaled that of Santa’s naughty list. Okay, he said, but first do you mind if I sit down, this may take a while. I swear, if you noticed earlier today that there was this sudden silence. It’s because the world actually stopped in order to cater to this idiot. Here’s a thought. Next time, just tell ‘em to get off their lazy butts and go get it themselves.
Finally, there was but one person in front of me. It was this preppie, aspiring to become a yuppie, cell phone, plastic handbag carrying, gum chewing, pop tart, who wanted her coffee obsessively customized.
“Yes, I’ll take a double-double... triple...half-caf... mocca... latte... with chocolate sprinkles... a dash of cinnamon... whipped cream... a cherry... a pinch of diesel... an ounce of male seamen... 2000% cream... but make the sugar granulated... cause I want to keep it simple and fat-free.
Then it was finally my turn.
The cashier looked at the other line which had formed beside me.
“I’ll be with you in just a moment.” She said, and preceded to handle the other line.
If any of you are one of the above mentioned, I hope you freggin’ choke on your coffees.